Ditched how I ditched.

So I deserve what I get. I did. I'm not big on religon at all, but I still feel as if I'm always being watched by something or someone. Always. I have been avoiding Jessy for 4 days now and I feel so horrible about it. I feel sick everytime she calls. I've never done this before. I have to talk to her.

Here's how I deserve what I get. ..
the past couple of nights I have been trying to hang out with Michelle and Brittney to smoke weed which sounds horrible to even put on here. But Brittney has been wanting to take a break from doing it like everyday and Michelle has been getting low on stuff. I just like hanging out with them. With weed or without. I talked to Michelle last night and she said that they were off for the next 2 days and that we would hang out and they would get more stuff. I have been looking forward to hanging with them all week. I thought tonight would be the night. I worked till 7 today and after that I went to Bruce's to hang out and write music. After that I tried to call Michelle and Brittney and they didn't answer. I called Kathryn and Liz to see if they were with them and no one knew where they were. I decided to go ahead and go to Shara's place with Bruce for a "get together." Some other people were there too. Joe Latner was even there.I kept thinkin' that I had to leave to cause I had plans to go to Michelles around 1 or so. In the mean time I stayed and played UNO with everyone and hung out. I kept calling and calling and calling and calling to try and find them. I even walked to Brittney mom's place to see if she could be over there. I thought something could be wrong and I was real worried. Everyone could tell I was worried. Jessy gave me a call and I didn't answer. I felt sick so I went for a walk by myself. And I was nervous.

It was going on 2am and Bruce took me back to my car at his sister's and I went over to Brittney's to see if they were there. I pulled in and I saw her car. I began to have that feeling as if I was unwanted. She wasn't at her place to I walked over to Michelles. All of the lights were on. I called her place to see if they would answer and I looked in the window as I called and I saw Michelle getting up and looking at the caller ID and sat back down. I was very confused,sad,hurt,pissed,and worried. I knocked on the door after that and I could tell that they were freaking out inside. After a minute when I knocked, Michelle finally opened the door. Brittney goes, "hey, what are you doing?" (it sounded so fake) I saw food all around her and I could tell she was stoned. Michelle just sat there. Brittney looked at me and said "Howcome you keep calling so much?" I said "I wouldn't be calling so much if you guys answered it the first time I called" Brittney said that she was sick and didn't wanna talk. I didn't wanna asked howcome Michelle couldn't just answer it for her and tell me what was up cause I knew they would lie. They said I could stay and hang out but I couldn't talk to them cause Brittney was sick. She said she ate to much. I just smiled and said it's ok, I'll leave. I left and cried and screamed all the fucking way home. I went home and put on my headphones and went to Angel Mounds on my bike and rode around and screamed really loud. I also prayed and prayed for different personal reasons.

I think that god is doing payback for me because I wasn't answering Jessy's calls.I left her hanging without a call all these days after I tell her that I would call her and hang out. I kept yeling at myself saying that I deserved this. I feel calm now, but as I write this I;m feeling rage again and I can't help it. I just dont get it. Why wouldn't they just answer my call instead of having me worry about them?zsd nvksdhjfjkhgvaekf I try to be nice. Why does Brittney say I'm her best friend if were not close enough for her to tell me what's going on?


I thought my unwanted and rejection days were over.I had alot of that in fucking school and I was hurt but never showed it. It's never over.Now I tend to freak out and have panic attacks. What is wrong with me to you people? I fucking try and try and try ,.sjkbvnjksdfhngaekv.. I even starv myself to fit in the fucking sick world with you fucking sick people demanding perfection!
don't worry though, I'm kinda shallow at times too. I'm no better. I just wanna make people happy, I'm so typical.

sorry ..I'm just

My dad bought a boat.